Spouse Resists Counseling

Article 1. Different Levels of Motivation
to Maintain the Relationship

In this category, the two individuals that come for counseling, be they married, living together, or just dating in an exclusive relationship, affirm their love for each other at the very first session and express their absolute intent of staying together. Both individuals are highly motivated for therapy. They come for couple counseling because they do not know how to translate their love into a comfortable, relaxed relationship. Although their motivation to find happiness with each other is high, their ability to interact successfully is low.

In some cases, in spite of a strong mutual attraction and love, the individuals experience frequent disagreement, criticism, and fighting. Their negative interactions eat away at the relationship and they see no end to their predicament. They are convinced that they can –and should– be happy with each other, but achieving this goal eludes them. There are many reasons why spouses fight. Sometimes they fight because of chronic frustration at not having a number of their reasonable needs and expectations met by their partner. At other times they fight because of a specific problem e.g. jealousy, control, or over-attachment to a hobby, work, etc. Sometimes one, or both members are too much under the influence of a third party e.g., one’s mother, or other member of spouse’s family of origin, or friends. In still other cases, the problem expresses itself in a variety of situations but the underlying dynamic may be immaturity, self-centeredness, inability to communicate effectively including express positive and loving emotions, inability to develop closeness and maintain intimacy, complain diplomatically, resolve differences respectfully etc.

In other cases, two spouses have led peaceful, parallel, separate lives (no fighting or bickering), and have drifted apart over the years. These spouses do not share too much with each other and their sex life may have diminished. Eventually, one or both may begin to feel alone in the marriage. The analogy that I like is that of two horses working very hard as they are hitched together and pulling a wide plough (the family). Each horse is laboring to do its share, but has blinders on its eyes and is looking ahead. It does not look to the side and relate to its companion. Couples in this situation know that although each person is doing his best to keep the family going, and the work is being done, something very important is missing in their personal relationship; they wonder where the marriage is heading. Perhaps the couple has been jolted by an innocent flirtation or even an act of infidelity by one of the partners. At this juncture, the couple realizes that they have reached a crisis in their relationship and wisely seek marriage counseling.

In some situations, the “in love” feeling that each person had for each other when they first met may have dwindled greatly, remains only as a spark or perhaps only as a memory. However, even if they are both hurt, disappointed, alienated or angry, they do not necessarily hate each other. The problem is that the disappointment, hurt and/or alienation have grown to such a point that both individuals are utterly discouraged. In such a case, the relationship has deteriorated so much over the years that both persons are now ready to throw in the towel. Many of these couples are so frustrated in their attempts at resolution and exhausted from futile fighting that they would split up if not for their parental responsibilities to the children, financial, familial, cultural, religious or other external constraints. For these reasons, they will not go to a divorce attorney unless they have exhausted every possible approach to remedy their deteriorated situation.

When a couple does not see divorce as a viable alternative, and see no success in their own efforts at remediation, they seek the help of a marriage counselor. These couples are determined to pull themselves out of their morass and since they are so unhappy they cling to the hope that there is only one way they can go: up. And they do go up when they throw themselves into the therapeutic process and stick with it, and the relationship begins to grow and progresses towards a mutually satisfactory relationship.

In some instances, there are no external constraints to separation; the couple is free to pick up and go. but there are internal constraints. What are these internal constraints? People are reluctant to pull up stakes and walk away for a variety of reasons. Some fear the personal stigma of failure. Others wish to avoid a probable loss of self esteem and self blame, especially if this is their second or third serious attempt at marriage or living together. Others, male and female, not wishing to be alone, realize that to find another partner, they would have to return to square one of the dreaded singles scene.

Sometimes the internal constraint has to do with biology and time, viz., in the case of a female who wants to have children and is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away. Such a person might conclude that she doesn’t have the time, nor the patience to start all over again with another man nor is there any assurance that she’ll be more successful with her next partner. Some of the individuals who are determined to strive hard to preserve their relationship believe that there is “nothing better out there anyway” (this may or not be true) since “nobody is perfect and all men and women have one problem or another” (this is certainly true).

Many others committed to striving for the success of their marriage/ relationship are fighters by nature and don’t give up easily. For them, just because something is not working is not an excuse to walk away. These individuals are confident in their ability to solve problems, and hate to see their dreams for happiness go up in smoke; this attitude is especially compelling to a person who has invested many years into a relationship. These persons see divorce as a cop-out and they will not give up without a fight.

In still other situations, no matter how unhappy they are and no matter how poorly they treat each other, both spouses forcefully affirm that they love each other. Sadly, they are stuck in a neurotic struggle that they cannot control and want to be liberated from their neurotic bondage. Having married for love with the intention of building a happy family, these people have absolutely no thought of splitting up and will not abandon their goal without giving it everything they have.