Effective Communication

Article 5. The A-B-C's of Good Communication:
A, B, & C Should Always Be the Same

By Reuben E. Gross M.A., M.S., PhD, ABP, ABBP, FAACP, LMFT

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Getting the True Message Across
is the Essence of Communication

Summary: Both speaker and listener play an important role in bringing about good communication. The speaker should say what he truly means and be clear and unambiguous in his statements. The listener should be fully attentive. Both should take precautionary steps to avoid misinterpretations. Examples of breakdowns in communication between partners are given to illustrate the points made in this article. Since neither gender wins an Emmy for communication, to be fair to both genders, I alternate between "he" and "she" in all six articles on communication with the understanding that all of my points are relevant to both genders.

People Communicate Both Facts and Emotions

People communicate to request information or to transfer information to each other. Sometimes the information consists of concepts, facts, or data. At other times it consists of emotions, feelings, and attitudes. In a business setting, at school, and generally speaking outside of the home, the facts are more important and the emotions are secondary. TV's star detective, Sgt. Friday, invariably put it this way when he interviewed a witness to a crime: "Just the facts, Ma'am."

However, with regard to the progression, growth, and improvement of personal relationships, emotions play a primary role. With people who aspire to be close, such as husband and wife, an honest, respectful, reciprocal sharing of feelings, attitudes, and emotions is of fundamental importance in building the relationship. Understandably, this sharing is valuable only when there is an adherence to the basic facts of the situation, rather than distortions or misinterpretations by either partner.

The Goal of Communication is to
Get The True Message Across

When the process of getting the message across breaks down, the failure may be due to a shortcoming on the part of the speaker, listener, or both. At the risk of oversimplifying a complicated matter, let's break down the communication process into three components: "A," "B," and "C."

Overview of the A-B-C's of Good Communication

Let "A" represent the exact thoughts or emotions of the speaker.
Let "B" represent the actual words that come out of the speaker's mouth.
Let "C" represent what the listener "hears" i.e. his understanding or interpretation of what was said.

In a Perfect Communication "A" = "B" = "C"

"Let Thine Ears Hear What Your Mouth Speaketh" —Talmud-Brachot Ideally, the person wants to convey her true thoughts on the subject ("A"), expresses those exact thoughts in words ("B"), and is understood by the listener ("C") exactly as the communication was intended to be conveyed. Let's explore this matter further:

In a healthy relationship, it is the speaker's right and responsibility to say what is on his mind i.e., share her thoughts and feelings with her partner. Colloquially, many people praise themselves with, "I say what I mean and I mean what I say." In such a case, what she has on his mind, and what she actually says is the same. Full communication includes positive as well as negative sentiments. A good communicator will transmit such positive sentiments as love, praise, and appreciation, but she will also carefully express such negative sentiments as anger, hurt, disappointment, jealousy, or other painful emotions when she believes that tactfully conveying these emotions will be helpful to the relationship. A good communicator is aware that even negative feelings can be expressed sensitively and in a constructive manner, and she will do so when necessary because she knows that these feelings are an important part of the relationship and that sharing them is the path to the recognition and solution of problems. When a person is skilled at expressing both positive and negative thoughts and emotions, we have the first part of an excellent communication process since "A"= "B" and the listener gets to hear exactly what is on the speaker's mind.

End of Article 5: "The ABC's of Good Communication"

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